Missing Drew

Recently Drew's heart Foundation donated 3 AED's to our city's police department. The AED's are part of a new program for first responders. Often times the police are closer to a 911 call than paramedics because they are out on patrol, and they are on the scene with no way to help a victim. Now when they arrive at a call they can offer help to a person when minutes count.
   We were honored to be a part of this program and be able to support our local police as well as paramedics. It is a way to give back to them for all the times they arrived at our house to help our son. Even on the last call we ever made to them to help save him, they arrived quickly, did all that they could to revive him, and escorted us swiftly through traffic to the hospital. They even stayed with us for quite a while in the emergency room. Then they ALL came to pay their respects to our son when he died. We are grateful for their support. Helping them and giving their departments much needed equipment to help save a life...priceless.
      As November 26th arrives in only a few short days it brings such emotions. There is never a day when I don't think of my little boy but the days leading up to that horrible day as well as the days after bring on such hurt, such unforgiving pain and many, many memories. Time has not healed any wounds in this family, but it has made us go on.
    I wish I could have a moment with him again. I would give anything to see him, hear him say "Mommy I love you more", after I would tell him I loved him more and more to the moon and back and to infinity and beyond. We use to say that to each other each night when I tucked him in to bed. A bed he usually didn't stay put in and always found more reasons to get out of at bedtime!  Unfortunately there is no such wish. I am stuck with this pain and this unthinkable loss forever, until we meet again on the clouds in heaven.

Thinking of you

   Our family is not the same family that we were when Drew was here with us. We have changed in good ways and in bad ways. That's life and that's reality after loosing a child. We try very hard to go on each day and live it to the fullest in honor of our amazing little boy but some days you still want to shout from the roof tops " My little boy died and it sucks!". Society won't let you grieve everyday, it tends to make people very uncomfortable. I often feel like I am not allowed to shout my anger over loosing my son to everyone or feel sorry for myself and my family. So pulling myself together for the good of my husband and oldest son was my only option. Life has a way of making you move forward even if you don't want to. 
 We now have a baby girl and 2 years later life is becoming a new kind of normal for us. I often wonder how he would react to a little sister! I know he is watching over his big brother and now his little sister. I would give anything to have a hug from him, hear his voice or just see him again. At times the baby reminds me of Drew and when that happens it gives me a sense that he is still with us. 
   I miss my son more than anyone could ever imagine. I am always thinking of him, and missing him. Someday far, far in the future I hope we will be together again. 

Happy Birthday in Heaven

HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY DREW!
Exactly 5 years ago today you were born. It was a Monday morning and the weather was a lot nicer than it is today. This interesting and unexpected weather change we have today just makes me think you have decided that if we are not celebrating and having a good day then no one is! I'm sure you are still being mischievous in heaven and doing things your way. 
I can't believe you would have been 5 years old today. We have missed celebrating two of your birthdays now and it still does not make sense why you were chosen to be an angel. It feels so unfair that you were taken from us and you did not get to live a full life. Instead of a party we now decorate your headstone in ways that represent you and all the things you loved. Instead of singing Happy birthday and eating cake, we visit the cemetery and cry because we can't hold you or watch you grow. 
 Everyday without our little boy is very difficult and painful. It is a pain that does not go away and time does not heal the hurt. Our hearts have been broken and will never fully be repaired again. 
Happy Birthday Drew. Maybe the other angels in heaven can sing Happy Birthday to you and party with you. Here we will honor and remember you always. 
Love and hugs to you baby boy.

1 Year later

It has been one year since Drew went to heaven. It seems like forever ago. Now we are getting ready for Christmas. This is not our first Christmas without Drew, but it is the first Christmas Brian and I actually feel the intense pain of not having him here with us. Last year it was all so new and such a fog, we really did not take it all in.

It is all decorated for him down at the cemetery. He has a few wreaths, a small tree with a Buzz ornament, a Santa light and of course a green stocking. It is the most unnatural feeling to visit the cemetery where your little boy is buried and decorate around his headstone, instead of buying and wrapping special presents you know will light up his smile and bring him such joy.

Right now Toy Story is on T.V. That may be the most difficult thing to watch and to hear. It reminds me of how he watched Toy Story 1, 2, or 3 multiple times each day and night. He loved that movie and actually memorized so much of each version. We loved listening to him act out the movie with his Buzz, Woody and other toys.

My prayer for each day is that is gets easier to remember all the wonderful memories without so much hurt. Hopefully in time we will feel like he is with us and always in our hearts instead of so far away in heaven.

Miss you

Yesterday was 11 months since we lost Drew. I think about the months, days, and hours that led up to last Thanksgiving and then the blackest of all black Fridays. I can't shut my thoughts, images and sounds off in my mind, but yet it is so hard to remember what it's like to hold him, feel his hugs, and hear his voice. If I could change things in life the only thing I would obviously change is loosing Drew. One of his cardiac nurses asked me if I could go back and do it all over again would I? Would I endure the emotional rollercoaster of the pregnancy, the heartbreaking surgeries, daily medicines and multiple doctors appointments? Yes, all of those things have made me a different person. My son made me a better person. He was the strongest little boy and reminded me daily that life was precious and he was a gift. I would have gone through anything that I thought had a chance of saving him and giving him to us longer.

I was looking through photos and I came across this funny photo of Drew from exactly 1 year ago today. How drastically things have changed in 1 year.

10 Months

It has been 10 months today that you have been gone, Drew. Soon it will mark 1 year. I don't know how this time has passed, I still feel like I lost you just yesterday. Not much has changed in our house. Our family is still trying to cope with this loss and not having Drew physically here with us anymore. Will, Brian and I just get through each day, not with much enjoyment, more like we have to get through it. I have found that after watching my son die, there is not many minutes in a day that I can actually say I am happy, I am really happy. I think happiness left me the day that Drew went to heaven and I don't know if it is an emotion that will ever fully come back.

I am going to go now to the cemetery to water Drew's mum plant and check on things. That is just not supposed to be part of a mother's list of things to do.

9 Months in Heaven

Today is 9 months in heaven for Drew. We are having his first memorial golf tournament to benefit the foundation we created in his honor and memory. Last weekend our Friend Brian, ran 50 miles in honor of Drew and raised money for the foundation too. We have been blessed by the support of friends, family and strangers. We have been able to purchase 2 AED's so far and God willing we have not had to put together any grief baskets for other parents in the area. Drew's memory will live on through us giving back to others.

It has been 9 months and it seems like he has been gone an eternity. He should have been starting his 4 year old preschool class in September. He loved school and I'm sure he would have loved going for a full day. It was hard school shopping this summer. Only buying William outfits, sneakers, and a new backpack. I felt like something was missing each time I bought something for Will and I was right, it was not being able to buy anything for Drew. The feeling that I feel most of the time is that a physical part of myself is missing. I'm trying to live without something just as an amputee is learning to live again without a limb. Probably not the best analogy but it is what I feel. I'm learning to live without a major part of myself, my world, my baby.

Missing you forever Drew,

Mommy