Missing Drew

Recently Drew's heart Foundation donated 3 AED's to our city's police department. The AED's are part of a new program for first responders. Often times the police are closer to a 911 call than paramedics because they are out on patrol, and they are on the scene with no way to help a victim. Now when they arrive at a call they can offer help to a person when minutes count.
   We were honored to be a part of this program and be able to support our local police as well as paramedics. It is a way to give back to them for all the times they arrived at our house to help our son. Even on the last call we ever made to them to help save him, they arrived quickly, did all that they could to revive him, and escorted us swiftly through traffic to the hospital. They even stayed with us for quite a while in the emergency room. Then they ALL came to pay their respects to our son when he died. We are grateful for their support. Helping them and giving their departments much needed equipment to help save a life...priceless.
      As November 26th arrives in only a few short days it brings such emotions. There is never a day when I don't think of my little boy but the days leading up to that horrible day as well as the days after bring on such hurt, such unforgiving pain and many, many memories. Time has not healed any wounds in this family, but it has made us go on.
    I wish I could have a moment with him again. I would give anything to see him, hear him say "Mommy I love you more", after I would tell him I loved him more and more to the moon and back and to infinity and beyond. We use to say that to each other each night when I tucked him in to bed. A bed he usually didn't stay put in and always found more reasons to get out of at bedtime!  Unfortunately there is no such wish. I am stuck with this pain and this unthinkable loss forever, until we meet again on the clouds in heaven.

Thinking of you

   Our family is not the same family that we were when Drew was here with us. We have changed in good ways and in bad ways. That's life and that's reality after loosing a child. We try very hard to go on each day and live it to the fullest in honor of our amazing little boy but some days you still want to shout from the roof tops " My little boy died and it sucks!". Society won't let you grieve everyday, it tends to make people very uncomfortable. I often feel like I am not allowed to shout my anger over loosing my son to everyone or feel sorry for myself and my family. So pulling myself together for the good of my husband and oldest son was my only option. Life has a way of making you move forward even if you don't want to. 
 We now have a baby girl and 2 years later life is becoming a new kind of normal for us. I often wonder how he would react to a little sister! I know he is watching over his big brother and now his little sister. I would give anything to have a hug from him, hear his voice or just see him again. At times the baby reminds me of Drew and when that happens it gives me a sense that he is still with us. 
   I miss my son more than anyone could ever imagine. I am always thinking of him, and missing him. Someday far, far in the future I hope we will be together again. 

Happy Birthday in Heaven

HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY DREW!
Exactly 5 years ago today you were born. It was a Monday morning and the weather was a lot nicer than it is today. This interesting and unexpected weather change we have today just makes me think you have decided that if we are not celebrating and having a good day then no one is! I'm sure you are still being mischievous in heaven and doing things your way. 
I can't believe you would have been 5 years old today. We have missed celebrating two of your birthdays now and it still does not make sense why you were chosen to be an angel. It feels so unfair that you were taken from us and you did not get to live a full life. Instead of a party we now decorate your headstone in ways that represent you and all the things you loved. Instead of singing Happy birthday and eating cake, we visit the cemetery and cry because we can't hold you or watch you grow. 
 Everyday without our little boy is very difficult and painful. It is a pain that does not go away and time does not heal the hurt. Our hearts have been broken and will never fully be repaired again. 
Happy Birthday Drew. Maybe the other angels in heaven can sing Happy Birthday to you and party with you. Here we will honor and remember you always. 
Love and hugs to you baby boy.

1 Year later

It has been one year since Drew went to heaven. It seems like forever ago. Now we are getting ready for Christmas. This is not our first Christmas without Drew, but it is the first Christmas Brian and I actually feel the intense pain of not having him here with us. Last year it was all so new and such a fog, we really did not take it all in.

It is all decorated for him down at the cemetery. He has a few wreaths, a small tree with a Buzz ornament, a Santa light and of course a green stocking. It is the most unnatural feeling to visit the cemetery where your little boy is buried and decorate around his headstone, instead of buying and wrapping special presents you know will light up his smile and bring him such joy.

Right now Toy Story is on T.V. That may be the most difficult thing to watch and to hear. It reminds me of how he watched Toy Story 1, 2, or 3 multiple times each day and night. He loved that movie and actually memorized so much of each version. We loved listening to him act out the movie with his Buzz, Woody and other toys.

My prayer for each day is that is gets easier to remember all the wonderful memories without so much hurt. Hopefully in time we will feel like he is with us and always in our hearts instead of so far away in heaven.

Miss you

Yesterday was 11 months since we lost Drew. I think about the months, days, and hours that led up to last Thanksgiving and then the blackest of all black Fridays. I can't shut my thoughts, images and sounds off in my mind, but yet it is so hard to remember what it's like to hold him, feel his hugs, and hear his voice. If I could change things in life the only thing I would obviously change is loosing Drew. One of his cardiac nurses asked me if I could go back and do it all over again would I? Would I endure the emotional rollercoaster of the pregnancy, the heartbreaking surgeries, daily medicines and multiple doctors appointments? Yes, all of those things have made me a different person. My son made me a better person. He was the strongest little boy and reminded me daily that life was precious and he was a gift. I would have gone through anything that I thought had a chance of saving him and giving him to us longer.

I was looking through photos and I came across this funny photo of Drew from exactly 1 year ago today. How drastically things have changed in 1 year.

10 Months

It has been 10 months today that you have been gone, Drew. Soon it will mark 1 year. I don't know how this time has passed, I still feel like I lost you just yesterday. Not much has changed in our house. Our family is still trying to cope with this loss and not having Drew physically here with us anymore. Will, Brian and I just get through each day, not with much enjoyment, more like we have to get through it. I have found that after watching my son die, there is not many minutes in a day that I can actually say I am happy, I am really happy. I think happiness left me the day that Drew went to heaven and I don't know if it is an emotion that will ever fully come back.

I am going to go now to the cemetery to water Drew's mum plant and check on things. That is just not supposed to be part of a mother's list of things to do.

9 Months in Heaven

Today is 9 months in heaven for Drew. We are having his first memorial golf tournament to benefit the foundation we created in his honor and memory. Last weekend our Friend Brian, ran 50 miles in honor of Drew and raised money for the foundation too. We have been blessed by the support of friends, family and strangers. We have been able to purchase 2 AED's so far and God willing we have not had to put together any grief baskets for other parents in the area. Drew's memory will live on through us giving back to others.

It has been 9 months and it seems like he has been gone an eternity. He should have been starting his 4 year old preschool class in September. He loved school and I'm sure he would have loved going for a full day. It was hard school shopping this summer. Only buying William outfits, sneakers, and a new backpack. I felt like something was missing each time I bought something for Will and I was right, it was not being able to buy anything for Drew. The feeling that I feel most of the time is that a physical part of myself is missing. I'm trying to live without something just as an amputee is learning to live again without a limb. Probably not the best analogy but it is what I feel. I'm learning to live without a major part of myself, my world, my baby.

Missing you forever Drew,

Mommy

The stone

Drew's stone was put in today. Now it is even more real that he is not here and gone to heaven forever. The stone did turn out beautiful but it should not even be there, he should not be gone, he should be here with us and loving life as he did.

8 months in heaven

Today marks 8 months since Drew left for heaven. Some days it feels like at any moment he is going to walk in the door or that I will find him playing in his room. Other days I know this is not the case. I know that we will not see him again, hold him, kiss him, or hear his little voice, this can only be done in our dreams.

I love the country song that sings about going to heaven for a visit and seeing all the people who are there. Then you won't miss them as much. Oh how I wish our family vacation could be to visit Drew if only for a day. Then it wouldn't hurt as much.

Our life as a family has definitely changed... we are just different. In our Parents Grief Group they talk about how change is the most important thing for you. You need to change up all the typical things you used to do for holidays, vacations, important events. But even though the different routine helps some, it still reminds us that we are now changed forever. Nothing can or will be the same.

A child that in 3 and a 1/2 years changed everything about us.

We continue to miss you, love you, and remember everything about you Drew.

Love, Mommy

6 months

In 6 months since my little boy left us, I have learned that grief is something that can and will consume you. It can be overwhelming, difficult to understand and will change everything for you.

Having Drew gave me perspective on life and showed me how precious the little things are. He had a way of letting you know how much he loved you. For me it was the way he would give me kisses, say my name and squeeze my hand when he sat with me. He was amazing. I have heard the saying " If love could have saved you then you would have lived forever". This is so true. As a mother, my love for Drew was unconditional and at times fierce. I thought I did everything I could for him but in the end, I could not save him.

Today as 6 months have passed, my love for Drew is still fierce and the loss of him is overwhelming. I miss him so much.

Happy Birthday Drew

Today is Drew's birthday. He should be 4 years old. He should be bouncing around the house getting ready for his awesome Toy Story birthday party. This is just the beginning of the things Drew will not get to do and milestones we will not get to celebrate with him.

Four years ago today we went to the hospital for a planned c-section. We had anticipation, happiness, and fear of the unknown. When we saw him we couldn't believe how amazing and so healthy looking he was. You would have never known how sick he was and how underneath all of his perfect little features was a heart that was defective. He had blond peach fuzz for hair, big cheeks with Brian's dimple, and a large personality from the start!

He was our little fighter, and oh how he fought.

Today we are going to go to the cemetery and bring him a special Toy Story wreath, his brother Will colored an Easter egg green for him, and if we can we will sing happy birthday to him.

To our baby boy in heaven, We love you and we miss you. Happy Birthday Drew.

Love mommy and Daddy

Forever changed

I was sent this poem and it truly defines who we are now that our little boy, Drew is gone.

Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it may be true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Judi Walker
(In Memory of Shane)
Copyright 1998

4 months

Today March 26th is 4 months since Drew became our angel. It is hard to believe he has been gone 4 months. I feel like it has been years since I last heard his voice, hugged him in my arms and saw his beautiful smile. I wish we could find a cure for congenital heart diseases. No parent should ever have to feel this pain, nor should they have to be without their child.

For anyone who says "I can't imagine what your going through", well I wish no parent would ever have to imagine or worse, feel this horrible pain.

Right now I should be planning his awesome birthday party, but instead I'm trying to think of ways to keep his memory alive.

Heart Day February 14th 2011

Today is Valentine's Day. He should be here to celebrate heart day. He should just be here! He always had a bunch of special valentine's outfits or shirts. This year would have been no different. His closet is full of the special shirts he was going to wear all last week. Today he was going to wear his special heart shirt. The one that said "I'm a survivor". He was our special little fighter. Our survivor.

Instead of finding the perfect valentine cards and treats for him to bring his friends at school, or giving him his valentine gift this morning when he woke up, we attended a mass for him at church. Not the way I had planned for our heart day to go.

I don't know how we keep going on without him here, but somehow we do.

It is ironic that he came into the world with half a heart, now his heart no longer hurts and it is whole again. That is because he has the other half of my heart. My heart is forever broken.

Mommy misses you so much Drew Drew. I love you forever. Happy Heart day

Seems like yesterday

It has been 1 month since Drew became an angel. It feels like he was just here with us yesterday. We have all heard the saying " time heals all wounds", right now, not so much. Everyday we do not have our little Drew with us feels harder to get through. As each day passes, it truly becomes more unthinkable that he is gone forever.

I look at his pictures each and every day it gives me joy to see him but hurts because I can't hold him or kiss him. I would give anything to hear " I love you Mommy" just one more time. I know I can't, and the memories are now my treasure.

As we enter into 2011, I hope and I pray that this year will a bit better for our family.

To all of our friends and family who continue to check Drew's site, thank you and I hope you find, peace, good health and true happiness in the new year.

Thank you

Thank you to everyone who has expressed their sympathy for the loss of our beautiful baby boy.

The words of so many are comforting and the memories shared by others bring a smile to my face.

Drew's wake and funeral had so many people attend and Brian and I thank you for coming. It meant a lot to us to see how many people went out of their way to come and say goodbye.

Drew's funeral was in every way beautiful and heart warming, just like Drew. If you did not come to the cemetery I will explain the beautiful experience.

As we headed down the long road towards the cemetery, we passed our other son's school, the students, teachers, and principal all stood outside and made the sign of the cross as Drew passed by them.

It was a sight to be seen. Drew would of loved it. The innocence of a child was truly expressed in that single moment.

As we headed toward Drew's final resting spot, the sun slowly started to come out and the rain stopped. As we said our final goodbye to our baby the sun shined so brightly it was blinding. It was as if the clouds opened up and in one spot the stream of beautiful sunlight shined down.

I will believe in my heart that Drew was giving us a sign. The sign that he is happy.

We will always miss Drew and the joy he brought to each of our lives. Drew gave everyone a reminder to live your life completely and to love unconditionally.

I love you Drew, Love Mommy

April 23, 2007-November 26, 2010

This is a post I never wanted to write. Our baby boy passed away on Friday, November 26th at 5:25pm. He suffered a massive stroke and cardiac arrest that he could not fight back from. He tried so hard though. God needed a feisty little blond angel with a devious smile and bounds of energy to help him in heaven. I know he is wearing his buzz lightyear wings now. Drew was surrounded by his family and all the love you could imagine.

We love you to the moon and stars and back again and to infinity and beyond!

Drew Drew, "I lub you and adore you forever" Mommy and Daddy

Seizures or Heart Issues?

Drew has been having small episodes where he "faints". He turns very pale, becomes tired and for lack of a better medical word, passes out.

He had 2 episodes last week and now another one this morning. We called Dr. Orie and got him in right away to be seen. He had an EKG, and echo. Both came back fine. Right now it does not look like it is heart related but my gut feeling tells me it is.

He had an EEG yesterday because of the other episodes. I have tried to get a hold of Neurology and of course they are not quick to call you back or even give you guidance about what could be going on. Our wonderful pediatrician, Dr. Kanaley has tried to expedite the process by getting in touch and letting the Neuro Doctors know what the latest development has been. I hope we get answers soon. 3 maybe more episodes and no one but Dr. Kanaley and us seem to think this is a big problem.

I may have to call Strong hospital's Pediatric Neuro department and get a second opinion. I need to feel confident that we are going to get to the bottom of this.

Halloween

Buzz lightyear and cowboy Woody to the rescue!

The boys have talked about Halloween since September. Drew has been firm that he wanted to be Buzz. He would only be the Buzz that had light up wings and was a "real buzz". Of course this meant that the costume he had to have was the most expensive. He truly is just like his Mom!

Apple farm

We went to the apple farm and had a great time. The boys love going each fall. They ride the train to the apple orchard and pick their apples. Drew eats at least 3-4 apples from the trees. He thinks he is so cool picking his own apples and putting them in his own bag. We came home with 4 large bags of apples and lots of apple cider, the boys favorite fall beverage!