6 months

In 6 months since my little boy left us, I have learned that grief is something that can and will consume you. It can be overwhelming, difficult to understand and will change everything for you.

Having Drew gave me perspective on life and showed me how precious the little things are. He had a way of letting you know how much he loved you. For me it was the way he would give me kisses, say my name and squeeze my hand when he sat with me. He was amazing. I have heard the saying " If love could have saved you then you would have lived forever". This is so true. As a mother, my love for Drew was unconditional and at times fierce. I thought I did everything I could for him but in the end, I could not save him.

Today as 6 months have passed, my love for Drew is still fierce and the loss of him is overwhelming. I miss him so much.

Happy Birthday Drew

Today is Drew's birthday. He should be 4 years old. He should be bouncing around the house getting ready for his awesome Toy Story birthday party. This is just the beginning of the things Drew will not get to do and milestones we will not get to celebrate with him.

Four years ago today we went to the hospital for a planned c-section. We had anticipation, happiness, and fear of the unknown. When we saw him we couldn't believe how amazing and so healthy looking he was. You would have never known how sick he was and how underneath all of his perfect little features was a heart that was defective. He had blond peach fuzz for hair, big cheeks with Brian's dimple, and a large personality from the start!

He was our little fighter, and oh how he fought.

Today we are going to go to the cemetery and bring him a special Toy Story wreath, his brother Will colored an Easter egg green for him, and if we can we will sing happy birthday to him.

To our baby boy in heaven, We love you and we miss you. Happy Birthday Drew.

Love mommy and Daddy

Forever changed

I was sent this poem and it truly defines who we are now that our little boy, Drew is gone.

Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it may be true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Judi Walker
(In Memory of Shane)
Copyright 1998

4 months

Today March 26th is 4 months since Drew became our angel. It is hard to believe he has been gone 4 months. I feel like it has been years since I last heard his voice, hugged him in my arms and saw his beautiful smile. I wish we could find a cure for congenital heart diseases. No parent should ever have to feel this pain, nor should they have to be without their child.

For anyone who says "I can't imagine what your going through", well I wish no parent would ever have to imagine or worse, feel this horrible pain.

Right now I should be planning his awesome birthday party, but instead I'm trying to think of ways to keep his memory alive.

Heart Day February 14th 2011

Today is Valentine's Day. He should be here to celebrate heart day. He should just be here! He always had a bunch of special valentine's outfits or shirts. This year would have been no different. His closet is full of the special shirts he was going to wear all last week. Today he was going to wear his special heart shirt. The one that said "I'm a survivor". He was our special little fighter. Our survivor.

Instead of finding the perfect valentine cards and treats for him to bring his friends at school, or giving him his valentine gift this morning when he woke up, we attended a mass for him at church. Not the way I had planned for our heart day to go.

I don't know how we keep going on without him here, but somehow we do.

It is ironic that he came into the world with half a heart, now his heart no longer hurts and it is whole again. That is because he has the other half of my heart. My heart is forever broken.

Mommy misses you so much Drew Drew. I love you forever. Happy Heart day

Seems like yesterday

It has been 1 month since Drew became an angel. It feels like he was just here with us yesterday. We have all heard the saying " time heals all wounds", right now, not so much. Everyday we do not have our little Drew with us feels harder to get through. As each day passes, it truly becomes more unthinkable that he is gone forever.

I look at his pictures each and every day it gives me joy to see him but hurts because I can't hold him or kiss him. I would give anything to hear " I love you Mommy" just one more time. I know I can't, and the memories are now my treasure.

As we enter into 2011, I hope and I pray that this year will a bit better for our family.

To all of our friends and family who continue to check Drew's site, thank you and I hope you find, peace, good health and true happiness in the new year.

Thank you

Thank you to everyone who has expressed their sympathy for the loss of our beautiful baby boy.

The words of so many are comforting and the memories shared by others bring a smile to my face.

Drew's wake and funeral had so many people attend and Brian and I thank you for coming. It meant a lot to us to see how many people went out of their way to come and say goodbye.

Drew's funeral was in every way beautiful and heart warming, just like Drew. If you did not come to the cemetery I will explain the beautiful experience.

As we headed down the long road towards the cemetery, we passed our other son's school, the students, teachers, and principal all stood outside and made the sign of the cross as Drew passed by them.

It was a sight to be seen. Drew would of loved it. The innocence of a child was truly expressed in that single moment.

As we headed toward Drew's final resting spot, the sun slowly started to come out and the rain stopped. As we said our final goodbye to our baby the sun shined so brightly it was blinding. It was as if the clouds opened up and in one spot the stream of beautiful sunlight shined down.

I will believe in my heart that Drew was giving us a sign. The sign that he is happy.

We will always miss Drew and the joy he brought to each of our lives. Drew gave everyone a reminder to live your life completely and to love unconditionally.

I love you Drew, Love Mommy