1 Year later

It has been one year since Drew went to heaven. It seems like forever ago. Now we are getting ready for Christmas. This is not our first Christmas without Drew, but it is the first Christmas Brian and I actually feel the intense pain of not having him here with us. Last year it was all so new and such a fog, we really did not take it all in.

It is all decorated for him down at the cemetery. He has a few wreaths, a small tree with a Buzz ornament, a Santa light and of course a green stocking. It is the most unnatural feeling to visit the cemetery where your little boy is buried and decorate around his headstone, instead of buying and wrapping special presents you know will light up his smile and bring him such joy.

Right now Toy Story is on T.V. That may be the most difficult thing to watch and to hear. It reminds me of how he watched Toy Story 1, 2, or 3 multiple times each day and night. He loved that movie and actually memorized so much of each version. We loved listening to him act out the movie with his Buzz, Woody and other toys.

My prayer for each day is that is gets easier to remember all the wonderful memories without so much hurt. Hopefully in time we will feel like he is with us and always in our hearts instead of so far away in heaven.

Miss you

Yesterday was 11 months since we lost Drew. I think about the months, days, and hours that led up to last Thanksgiving and then the blackest of all black Fridays. I can't shut my thoughts, images and sounds off in my mind, but yet it is so hard to remember what it's like to hold him, feel his hugs, and hear his voice. If I could change things in life the only thing I would obviously change is loosing Drew. One of his cardiac nurses asked me if I could go back and do it all over again would I? Would I endure the emotional rollercoaster of the pregnancy, the heartbreaking surgeries, daily medicines and multiple doctors appointments? Yes, all of those things have made me a different person. My son made me a better person. He was the strongest little boy and reminded me daily that life was precious and he was a gift. I would have gone through anything that I thought had a chance of saving him and giving him to us longer.

I was looking through photos and I came across this funny photo of Drew from exactly 1 year ago today. How drastically things have changed in 1 year.

10 Months

It has been 10 months today that you have been gone, Drew. Soon it will mark 1 year. I don't know how this time has passed, I still feel like I lost you just yesterday. Not much has changed in our house. Our family is still trying to cope with this loss and not having Drew physically here with us anymore. Will, Brian and I just get through each day, not with much enjoyment, more like we have to get through it. I have found that after watching my son die, there is not many minutes in a day that I can actually say I am happy, I am really happy. I think happiness left me the day that Drew went to heaven and I don't know if it is an emotion that will ever fully come back.

I am going to go now to the cemetery to water Drew's mum plant and check on things. That is just not supposed to be part of a mother's list of things to do.

9 Months in Heaven

Today is 9 months in heaven for Drew. We are having his first memorial golf tournament to benefit the foundation we created in his honor and memory. Last weekend our Friend Brian, ran 50 miles in honor of Drew and raised money for the foundation too. We have been blessed by the support of friends, family and strangers. We have been able to purchase 2 AED's so far and God willing we have not had to put together any grief baskets for other parents in the area. Drew's memory will live on through us giving back to others.

It has been 9 months and it seems like he has been gone an eternity. He should have been starting his 4 year old preschool class in September. He loved school and I'm sure he would have loved going for a full day. It was hard school shopping this summer. Only buying William outfits, sneakers, and a new backpack. I felt like something was missing each time I bought something for Will and I was right, it was not being able to buy anything for Drew. The feeling that I feel most of the time is that a physical part of myself is missing. I'm trying to live without something just as an amputee is learning to live again without a limb. Probably not the best analogy but it is what I feel. I'm learning to live without a major part of myself, my world, my baby.

Missing you forever Drew,

Mommy

The stone

Drew's stone was put in today. Now it is even more real that he is not here and gone to heaven forever. The stone did turn out beautiful but it should not even be there, he should not be gone, he should be here with us and loving life as he did.

8 months in heaven

Today marks 8 months since Drew left for heaven. Some days it feels like at any moment he is going to walk in the door or that I will find him playing in his room. Other days I know this is not the case. I know that we will not see him again, hold him, kiss him, or hear his little voice, this can only be done in our dreams.

I love the country song that sings about going to heaven for a visit and seeing all the people who are there. Then you won't miss them as much. Oh how I wish our family vacation could be to visit Drew if only for a day. Then it wouldn't hurt as much.

Our life as a family has definitely changed... we are just different. In our Parents Grief Group they talk about how change is the most important thing for you. You need to change up all the typical things you used to do for holidays, vacations, important events. But even though the different routine helps some, it still reminds us that we are now changed forever. Nothing can or will be the same.

A child that in 3 and a 1/2 years changed everything about us.

We continue to miss you, love you, and remember everything about you Drew.

Love, Mommy

6 months

In 6 months since my little boy left us, I have learned that grief is something that can and will consume you. It can be overwhelming, difficult to understand and will change everything for you.

Having Drew gave me perspective on life and showed me how precious the little things are. He had a way of letting you know how much he loved you. For me it was the way he would give me kisses, say my name and squeeze my hand when he sat with me. He was amazing. I have heard the saying " If love could have saved you then you would have lived forever". This is so true. As a mother, my love for Drew was unconditional and at times fierce. I thought I did everything I could for him but in the end, I could not save him.

Today as 6 months have passed, my love for Drew is still fierce and the loss of him is overwhelming. I miss him so much.

Happy Birthday Drew

Today is Drew's birthday. He should be 4 years old. He should be bouncing around the house getting ready for his awesome Toy Story birthday party. This is just the beginning of the things Drew will not get to do and milestones we will not get to celebrate with him.

Four years ago today we went to the hospital for a planned c-section. We had anticipation, happiness, and fear of the unknown. When we saw him we couldn't believe how amazing and so healthy looking he was. You would have never known how sick he was and how underneath all of his perfect little features was a heart that was defective. He had blond peach fuzz for hair, big cheeks with Brian's dimple, and a large personality from the start!

He was our little fighter, and oh how he fought.

Today we are going to go to the cemetery and bring him a special Toy Story wreath, his brother Will colored an Easter egg green for him, and if we can we will sing happy birthday to him.

To our baby boy in heaven, We love you and we miss you. Happy Birthday Drew.

Love mommy and Daddy

Forever changed

I was sent this poem and it truly defines who we are now that our little boy, Drew is gone.

Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it may be true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Judi Walker
(In Memory of Shane)
Copyright 1998

4 months

Today March 26th is 4 months since Drew became our angel. It is hard to believe he has been gone 4 months. I feel like it has been years since I last heard his voice, hugged him in my arms and saw his beautiful smile. I wish we could find a cure for congenital heart diseases. No parent should ever have to feel this pain, nor should they have to be without their child.

For anyone who says "I can't imagine what your going through", well I wish no parent would ever have to imagine or worse, feel this horrible pain.

Right now I should be planning his awesome birthday party, but instead I'm trying to think of ways to keep his memory alive.

Heart Day February 14th 2011

Today is Valentine's Day. He should be here to celebrate heart day. He should just be here! He always had a bunch of special valentine's outfits or shirts. This year would have been no different. His closet is full of the special shirts he was going to wear all last week. Today he was going to wear his special heart shirt. The one that said "I'm a survivor". He was our special little fighter. Our survivor.

Instead of finding the perfect valentine cards and treats for him to bring his friends at school, or giving him his valentine gift this morning when he woke up, we attended a mass for him at church. Not the way I had planned for our heart day to go.

I don't know how we keep going on without him here, but somehow we do.

It is ironic that he came into the world with half a heart, now his heart no longer hurts and it is whole again. That is because he has the other half of my heart. My heart is forever broken.

Mommy misses you so much Drew Drew. I love you forever. Happy Heart day

Seems like yesterday

It has been 1 month since Drew became an angel. It feels like he was just here with us yesterday. We have all heard the saying " time heals all wounds", right now, not so much. Everyday we do not have our little Drew with us feels harder to get through. As each day passes, it truly becomes more unthinkable that he is gone forever.

I look at his pictures each and every day it gives me joy to see him but hurts because I can't hold him or kiss him. I would give anything to hear " I love you Mommy" just one more time. I know I can't, and the memories are now my treasure.

As we enter into 2011, I hope and I pray that this year will a bit better for our family.

To all of our friends and family who continue to check Drew's site, thank you and I hope you find, peace, good health and true happiness in the new year.